Vipassana: A Transformative Experience
On one of my trips to Indonesia, I reunited with a good friend of mine, Crescente. I remember having a conversation about meditation with him and his friend while drinking coconuts at the beach. They both had some interesting insights and approaches towards meditation. His friend was quite committed to one technique called Vipassana. It sounded very interesting, so I started asking questions about it. She mentioned that she got introduced to it through a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat—a very intense and powerful retreat designed to provide an environment conducive to deepening the practice.
She explained that during these 10 days, there are countless rules and codes, such as not being able to talk, see anyone in the eyes, do any type of exercise, use a phone, or journal. Participants eat only vegetarian food until 12 pm and fast the rest of the day, and most importantly, dedicate 10 hours a day of meditation learning the technique. It sounded very interesting but quite extreme. It struck a chord within me—I was super interested but at the same time knew I wasn’t ready to be 10 days alone with my mind without external distractions. It frightened me.
Fast forward, I kept getting deeper into my practice. I started seeing real inner shifts that were manifested in my relationship with the outside world. The internal changes were evident in my day-to-day life. I was gaining more independence, more empowerment, and many of my deeper limiting beliefs were dissolving. The fear of validation and living up to the expectations of my family, circle, and environment started to evaporate as I gained more inner clarity and took proactive steps towards my desired way of life. There was no doubt in my mind that meditation was shifting and expanding my life in extraordinary ways. How much of these changes were explicitly correlated to my meditation practice? I will never know, as it’s not something easily quantifiable. But I do know that meditation played a role in improving my life and widening my perspective on life.
Years passed since that conversation about Vipassana on the beach in Indonesia. I started meeting people who had the experience and told me how transformative it was for them. I was quite settled into my daily practices, and it was evident that they had benefits. The question now was whether I was willing to do my first Vipassana silent retreat to deepen my practice and gain an even wider understanding of what meditation can do.
I decided to go for it and do my first Vipassana retreat. Was I ready? Absolutely not. I don’t think I would ever feel ready for something like that, but when there is a bigger calling and deep curiosity for the inner world, you are naturally and spontaneously pushed to go through such challenging but rewarding experiences. The ego, the mind, didn’t want to go and found multiple reasons and excuses not to. I was aware that the ego wants to stay comfortable and avoid expansive experiences at all costs. I ended up listening to that deeper aspect of myself, knowing that acting from that place brings greater fulfillment, growth, and satisfaction than acting from fear and limitations imposed by my ego.
And here I was, arriving at the retreat center, checking in, leaving my phone away, and signing some papers that personally meant: there is no way back. This is a commitment made out of devotion.
I can remember the first day as if it were yesterday. I remember having my first 1-hour session and thinking to myself, there is absolutely no chance I can make it ten days meditating 10 hours a day. I started doubting all those commitments I made to myself. My whole body was in extreme, excruciating pain—my knees, my ankles, my back. I couldn’t stop sweating because of the pain. I had never meditated for over 45 minutes continuously before this experience, and there I was, thinking, what have I done by intentionally choosing to come to such a torturous experience?
Going through the first day was extremely tough, but I was already there. I couldn't just quit; I needed to give this a real shot, despite the fear of what was to come. I decided I wasn’t going to quit. I had to give this experience my all and only judge it once it was done. To my surprise, things started getting better very quickly. The technique and the instructions are very straightforward, providing the necessary structure, guidance, and direction that I needed internally to endure the physical, mental, and emotional pain that was constantly being triggered.
The first three days consisted of “Anapana,” which is the foundation of the Vipassana technique. It involves focusing on nothing but the area below your nose and staying with that sensation as long as you can. When the monkey mind, the chatter in your head, appears, we were instructed to acknowledge the thoughts and gently come back to the sensations. The mind is very fickle, and you become hyper-aware of it during these first three days of Anapana. The main purpose of these three days is to bring the mind to a certain level of focus, sharpness, and attention—something that most of us (myself included) have lost, especially in our modern society, which bombards us with information that keeps us distracted and disconnected from our bodily sensations.
As days passed, I started getting more settled and used to the routines. A typical day included a 5 am wake-up call, meditation until 6:30, breakfast, and more meditation sessions throughout the day. I understood the technique intellectually, but I wasn’t able to maintain the equanimous and nonjudgmental approach to my thoughts for long. The whole point was not to judge myself when thoughts arose, not to cling to pleasant sensations, and not to have aversion to unpleasant sensations. The main idea of the technique is to observe reality as it is, seeing it beyond our labels of good and bad. Experiencing reality with equanimity, without pushing away the “negative” sensations like pain or unpleasant thoughts and not clinging to moments of calmness or any other kind pleasant sensation. The purpose is to realize and come into touch with one of the most important universal laws in our existence: ANICCA, the law of impermanence. Observe and be aware that every feeling and sensation, no matter how painful or pleasant, shall pass.
I couldn’t see that happening in the beginning. If I sat for an hour and the pain was extreme after 10 minutes, it seemed like there was no chance for it to calm down; quite the opposite, the pain was increasing. However, as hours of meditation passed and I started understanding the technique at a more fundamental, experiential level, I began to grasp what Goenka, the teacher, was talking about. How can I describe how unbelievable this was? I felt like I could start observing reality without reacting to it. The pain and the sweat were still there, but it was as if I was looking at all of this from the outside. I could see the pain and discomfort but not be overwhelmed by it, just observe and understand that it will pass. I started having sessions where the pain was extreme in the first 30 minutes, and the second half of the meditation I didn’t feel any pain. In my time off meditation, I contemplated these experiences a lot, and the main realization was that we have the power to be observers. We can reach higher states of consciousness that allow us to interact with reality from a more equanimous and aware place.
Most of my time meditating was about noticing that I got caught up in thought and coming back to the technique. I’d say 95% of the time was about that. Now, there is a 5% that opened my eyes to what is possible.
I believe it was day 5. We were having one of our afternoon meditation sessions for an hour, as usual. Our sessions were one hour, many followed by a 5-minute break, and then another hour after that. Those 5 minutes were crucial to extend the legs and move the body a little before another hour sitting. This session was one of the “worst” I had; I was everywhere but present. The monkey mind was taking me from one place to another, and I couldn’t concentrate on the technique for even a minute. When the bell rang for us to take our 5-minute rest, I was so frustrated that I decided to skip the break and stay there, working on the technique. In this second session, something incredible happened. There are no words to describe the experience, but I will try to get as close as I can.
I started getting extremely focused and sharp on my body sensations. I could feel every inch of my body, but as I scanned up and down, the sensations became so subtle that all my bodily sensations were gone, and my mental processes were gone as well. I was in a boundless place. I felt like I was going deeper and deeper into it, and a part of “me” was guiding me to go deeper. As I went deeper into this vastness, I started feeling a level of peace, presence, love, and awe that I had never experienced before in my life, not even close. It wasn’t relatable to feelings you get by “doing” something or being somewhere like a beach or a “peaceful” place. This was a transcendental experience. It was the happiest, most complete place I’ve ever experienced. As I went deeper, a part of me became fearful. It was beautiful, but it was such an unexplored territory in my consciousness that I didn’t know where it was leading me. I suddenly came back to my senses, felt my heart racing like never before, and was a bit confused about what had happened. My mind, my intellect, couldn’t make sense of it; it was so far beyond what the mind can grasp and what our language can express. I just knew after that experience that there is a deeper place within each of us that is pure love, pure consciousness, and that ultimately, all of this reality that we live, all these ego games (which I constantly get involved in), are just a games to be played. Intrinsically, there is nothing to fear and nothing to worry about. We are supported by the divine, and there is more to life than your job, your status, your money, and whatever you perceive as important.
The experience had such a profound effect on how I looked at things. Again, I became so clear that life is a fun game to be enjoyed and lived to the fullest. As cliché as it may sound, it’s about following our dreams and, along the way, positively impacting as many lives as possible. It brought me closer to the love I had been suppressing for so long. I couldn’t stop thinking about telling all the people I know that I love them when I finished the experience. Not only the people I knew but every human being on this earth. Between my meditations, I kept reflecting on how to take action when I got out, towards that dream life that I wanted to live. I made a decision on the spot to buy a ticket to Africa right after finishing the retreat to work with a non-profit organization that I had been following for a long time. I was interested in going there and supporting, but this time I was serious and fully committed to taking the necessary steps to make all my dreams a reality.
Days passed, and I kept getting deeper into my inner world. As challenging as it was, I was so fulfilled. I could see an internal shift, a hunger for life, and a clear perspective of what is truly important in life for me. Our last day was “metta” day, which is a meditation about loving awareness. The experience was so powerful that most of the people attending the course (around 80) started crying out of the love that we felt. None of us had talked to each other for those ten days, but the kind of connection and respect we had for each other was immense. Despite not being able to verbally communicate, a deeper bond was created by this transformative experience. On the last day, I got to experience what love can really do. A group of 80 men and women crying out of love and joy for life. This, for me, was an experience that changed my life forever.
I don’t know if it’s possible to live in that state continuously—maybe it is. I haven’t been able to experience it consistently. In fact, my flaws, stresses, and bad moods are still there, very present. It’s a part of me that I don’t believe is good to hide, as we all have them. But what I experienced there was a full immersion into what is possible. It is a testament that things do pass, no matter how bad or how good they may feel—they will pass, as per the law of impermanence. Love is inside of us, and our work is to remove the elements that prevent us from touching it.
Meditation is a lifelong journey. It isn’t all beauty. There is so much ugliness that we see when we have the courage to look inside ourselves. The good, the bad, and the average. I choose to keep closing my eyes and getting in touch with myself. It’s something that has impacted my life in so many different levels, and if it did for me, I believe it can have the same impact on others. It isn’t all roses, but it is definitely well worth it.
Are you ready to start your practice?
Much love,
Matias